Blonde Adventures

Policeman: Today I'm going to train you in order to make perfect and skilful detectives from you. I'll show you the picture of your suspect for 5 seconds and you should recognize him. So this is your suspect, how would you recognize him? 

Blonde1: Well...That`s easy, we`ll catch him fast because he has only one eye and one ear!

Policeman: Well...Uh.. that's because the picture shows his profile. Is that the best answer you can come up with?..And what about you? Think hard before giving a stupid answer.

Blonde2: Hmm... He is wearing contacts.

Policeman: Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that.

Blonde2: Hey, honey. This policeman thinks we are stupid, only because we are blondes, doesn't he?

Blonde1: You are right. Everybody has such opinion. I think it is a kind of stereo...stereo...stereosystem

Blonde2: Stereotype, you mean? Oh, don't be upset, darling. I've given a very smart answer...

Blonde1: Why do you think so?

Blonde2: He's coming... Watch!

Policeman: WoW! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation? 

Blonde2: Ahaha, it's easy. I wonder why you haven't guessed it! He's wearing contacts, because he can't wear glasses with one eye and one ear!

Policeman: Oh, no! You will never become perfect and skilful detectives! Just go away and don't make me frustrated and furious!

Blonde1: What a pity! But I really want to become a detective. Can you give me one more chance?

Policeman: Not for the life of me! You should work as a farmer or something like this!

Blonde2: Oh, I don't have time for all this stupid stuff anyway! I'm late for the plane! Bye-bye!

Blonde1: Hmm...It is a good idea! Why I`ve not thought about it before. 

Blonde2: Ohh, I'm so tired... It's such a crazy day! Where is my seat? Excuse me, is it 13th seat? No? I'm sorry. Ah, here it is. Wow, how comfortable it is! And now everything I need is a good sleep...

Man: Hello, pretty girl! Do you want to play a game?

Blonde2: No, thanks. I'm very tired and I just want to take a nap.

Man: Please, its really easy, all you have to do is answer the questions that I ask you. If you don't know the answer, then you give me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer to your question, then I'll give you five dollars. 

Blonde2: But I really don't want to do this. I just want to take a nap. And moreover, gambling is not for me...

Man: Oh but PLEASE, pretty, please. Okay, how about if I don't know the answer to your question, I'll give you five hundred dollars.

Blonde2: Hmm, okay. Such an interesting proposal. let's play your game!

Man: Okay. How many moons does Jupiter have? 

Blonde2: Here you are.

Man: You see, it's very easy. Now it's your turn to ask a question.

Blonde2: All right. What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes back down with four?

Man: Hmmm...I don't know... I'll search for the answer in the Internet! Nothing...Just nothing... OK, you've won! Here are your five hundred dollars! What was the answer to the riddle? 

Blonde2: I have no idea! Here you are.

Man: Oh, I have at last come!

(knock-knock)

Who is there, I wonder. Good morning! 

Blonde: Good morning! Do you have any jobs for me to do?

Man: Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge? 

Blonde:How about 50 dollars?

Man: It goes. You can take the paint and the ladders in the garage.

Blonde: OK. I`ll do my best!

Wife: Why has she agreed? Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?

Man: She should. She was standing on the porch. I am so tired. I'll rest a little bit.

(knock-knock)

You? Have you already finished?

Blonde: Yes, and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.

Man: OK, thank you! Here are your fifty dollars.

Blonde: And by the way that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari.

Author: And now  a bonus and a checkpoint about blondes! Legend says that there is a bar  in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror.  If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is  granted. However, if one tells a lie then with a “POOF” you are  instantly kicked away by the mirror. So, a redhead, a brunette and a  blonde walk into the ladies room one by one and stand before the mirror.

Brunette: I think I'm the sexiest woman alive. 

(POOF)

Redhead: I think I'm  the most beautiful woman in the world.

(POOF) 

Blonde: I think...

(POOF)

The Script "Inconceivable Halloween Adventures"

Ghost2: There is a Hallowe'en. You remember that every year on Halloween we have a right to come down to the earth to spend one day among people. This year is not an exception. The moment has come! Let's go!

Ghost1: We are the real power in this crazy world. We’ll ruin everything on our way. Those human creatures will suffer and cry every minute, every second.

Ghost2: We will frighten people, will hear their screams and will fill their souls with horror of coming end

Ghost1: Hey! Look at these two silly humans. Let's make merry over them.

Ghost2: Oh, yeah! It's a great idea! I haven't enjoyed myself this way for a long time!

M: Oh, I'm so hungry! I want to eat something... What do we have? Bananas... No, I don't like it... What else? Cheese... No! Sausages? Yeah, it is exactly what I need!

H: Where is my slab chocolate??? I want something low-calorie to eat. I have problems with my stomach and feel myself badly.

Ghost1: See how professionals do such things! Crible-crable-booms!

M, H (frightened): Ghooooost!

Ghost2: Haha! We did it!

H: Mrs Jones?? Is it you??

M: Oh, that's you, my careless son-in-law??? I always knew that you wanted me to die! 

H: Oh, yeah. That's your night. It's Halloween today, the day when women like you are supposed to come out.

M: What a flat nonsense! You'll never amount to anything. Did you come to eat? AGAIN? Don't touch the pudding! It's mine!

H: But it's MINE!  My Wife cooked it for ME!  It's MY house! You are just a guest.

M: It's my daughter's house! You didn't even get registered here!

Ghost2: Buddy, we are the champions.

Ghost1: That's true! Come on! Let's gut other people's lives.

Ghost2: Look at this girl! Let's inspire her with the sin of gluttony! She will eat until she becomes as fat as a pumpkin!

Ghost1: Ooooh, i will watch it with pleasure. Bewitch her!!

Ghost2: Crible-crable-booms!

Girl: Ohhh! Food! I need food! Sweets, lard, sandwiches, chocolate, and a lot of pumpkin!  I'm dying of starvation. I want to eat more and more. What's happening to me?

Ghost1: I think it's not enough. I'll turn myself into a crow and pilfer her ring!

Girl: Oh, while I was eating someone stole my ring! Was it a ghost? Today is Halloween and everything is possible! I'll look outside to find my ring. 

Ghost2: Look, she's going out! Let's follow her!

Ghost1. All right.

Girl: (meets a boy). Hello, Larry! I haven't seen you for ages. Happy Halloween! Remember, you've once said that when you are 10, you'll go round the haunted house? Don't you think it's time to keep your promise?

Boy: Hmm, you have an excellent memory, my dear. Really, it's time for making a feat. I even have a better idea. What you'll say, if I enter the house and turn on the light on the top floor?

Girl: Are you fully confident in yourself? You are not really afraid of ghosts?!

Boy: I don't just believe in them. I consider all this stuff about spooks to be one big silly superstition.

Ghost2: What an aftergrowth! I like our enterprise more and more!

Ghost1: So, what will we do next?

Ghost2: Let's frighten this boy out of existence!

Ghost1: Yeah. We'll make him chilled to the bone and he will cry for mercy.

Boy:Oh, it's rather quiet here and not dark. Everything is flooded with moonlight. What a peaceful atmosphere! So, where should I go? Probably upstairs. My goodness, there is complete darkness. Oh, but I have a lantern (he turns it on). There is one door and it is ajar. (he comes in).

Ghost1: WOOOOOOOO!!!!! 

Boy: WOW!!! What a funny masquerade! Hilarious show! Ahahahaha. Let me touch you! I have never seen such stupid monsters before! How incredible you look! I split my sides with laughter. This holiday pretends to be the most unforgettable in my life.

Ghost2: Buddy, what's happening??

Ghost1: I don't understand! Let's escape until it's not too late!

Ghost2: Ruuuuuun!!!

Boy: Where are you going? Don't leave me! Hey! Wait! I liked you so much! Don't go! It was the most unusual surprise I had ever had on Halloween. All spooky creatures played their terrible roles perfectly. My friends won't take on trust that such a show was made in my honour.

Halloween Adventure

This story happened long, long ago. People lived happily and knew nothing about evil spirits. But there was a special time when ghosts, witches, monsters and all spooky creatures gathered together to celebrate an exclusive holiday. Throughout 10 years they were absolutely inoffensive, but one day a heated argument broke out. The overwhelming majority of evil spirits thirsted for the reins of government over mankind:

“We are the real power in this crazy world. We’ll ruin everything on our way. Those human creatures will suffer and cry every minute, every second”, - said the most influential ghost.

“We will frighten people, will hear their screams and will fill their souls with horror of coming end”, - said the main witch.

Ultimately, it was decided to capture the humanity on the 31^st of October. So all horrible creatures began to search for the first victims. A small imperceptible house caught their eyes. They hurried to the long-awaited prey. A little naïve boy was left quite alone at home and was playing with his tedious toys. When the enormous crowd of evil spirits burst into his room, he grew interested in those amusing people and wasn’t even a little bit frightened. Ghosts, skeletons, mummies and other members of the crowd began to emit scary sounds, but the child began to laugh himself into convulsions. Evil spirits became dumbfounded and couldn’t come to their senses. The boy wanted to satisfy his curiosity, so he began to feel, pull and poke them. All spooky creatures didn’t expect such further developments and being in a state of shock they showed a clean pair of heels.

Not long after the parents and relatives of the boy came home with presents. The child ran to them and said:

“It was the most unusual surprise you had ever made on my birthday. You’ve played your terrible roles perfectly. My friends won’t take on trust that such a show was made in my honour”.

Halloween Ode

Halloween is just around the corner,

You can hear scary voices in the dark.

And to meet creatures is the honour,

Just believe in your success and luck.

Goblins, mummies, vampires and witches,

Monsters, pumpkins, zombies everywhere.

Ghosts and devils, wizards, evil spirits

During Halloween are here and there.

It’s impossible to be nonchalant,

Fearless to dreadful monstrous guests,

So remember: Halloween is just around the corner.

And you’re sitting and you don’t have the guts.

"After the Ball..."

*** 

After the ball was over
Mary took out her glass eye
Put her false teeth in some water
Hung up her wig to dry

Put her peg leg in the corner
Hung her wax ear on the wall
That's why you'd never know Mary,
After the ball.  

*** 

Бал закончился сейчас, Мэри выбежав тотчас,

Глаз стеклянный отложила и совсем не позабыла

Челюсть вынуть, положить и водичкою налить.

А парик она сняла, и сушить оставила.

Деревянный же протез в уголочке вдруг исчез.

Восковое ухо в миг на стене уже висит.

Вот такие вот дела…на балу как не была.

Мэри стала вновь собой, но совсем уж вот другой.

 

Task 1.3.

Contemporary art of the 21^st century spread like wildfire. Among the most accessible art movements such as loss and desire art, classical realism, altermodern, street art, virtual art, relational art and others one should single out the most peculiar one, to my mind, - stuckism. Stuckism is a radical and controversial art group that was co-founded in 1999 by Charles Thomson and Billy Childish along with eleven other artists. The name "Stuckism" was coined in January 1999 by Charles Thomson in response to a poem read to him several times by Billy Childish. In it, Childish recites that his former girlfriend, Tracey Emin had said he was "stuck! stuck! stuck!" with his art, poetry and music. Stuckists are pro-contemporary figurative painting with ideas and anti-conceptual art, mainly because of its lack of concepts.

The main purpose of this art movement can be vividly reflected in the following quotation of one of its members - Terry Marks:   "We all choose to be painters, but not as if rock & roll, television, cars, cinema, jazz, and the whole 20th century never happened. We’re saying, 'Let’s use paint to describe our lives now.'”

Considerable impact of “stuckism” to the audience can be expressed through the following points:

·        primary importance of truth to self and experience;

·        emotional engagement;

·        meaning;

·        content;

·        communication.
 The peculiarities and the originality of “stuckism” become obvious from the next video: